North of the 49th | Amway

Ah, it's the most wonderful time of the year, isn't it? Today's the day I've been equal parts eagerly anticipating and dreading! Today's the day of the Christmas pageant at my daughter's school. For a few years now, this symphony of the surreal has been my launching point into the festive mood! This year promises to be no different.

And I'm not the only one. I called my parents yesterday to remind them of the event and the exchange went like this:

"Remember, the show's at 6:30. We've got to be there at 6 with Juliana."

"Oh, we'll get there a little after that to make sure we get good seats," my mom said.

"Really? You actually want to get close to this carnage?"

"Of course, we want to be able to see everything. It's so bad it's good."

I'll leave the name of the school out to protect the not-so-innocent. My daughter's school has maybe, MAYBE, 200 kids. It's a school for kids of parents for whom French is their first language. Each year we're delightfully amazed at the lack of organization, planning, and execution.

Listen, I'm not so cold-hearted as to mock little kids for trying. In fact, the younger kids are usually the highlight. After all, who doesn't enjoy watching five and six year olds sway and step to the rhythm (even if it's often times the one in their heads). *** OK, I just re-read that sentence and it comes across as sarcastic… it's not intended to be***

Oh, and my daughter consistently brings her A-game and shines. Not that I'm biased at all.

But it's the older kids — the ones who fancy themselves dancers, or acrobats, or — I guess — ninjas that kill me. I remember last year some — how shall I put this delicately — enthusiastically energetic child was doing a routine of some sort. It mainly consisted of him throwing himself around the stage onto crash mats. We all watched with equal parts fascination, dread, and horror at what he was doing — wondering whether we should call the ambulance in anticipation.

The dances are usually comprised of one kid that's OK — he or she has obviously taken lessons — and four or five of Passable Dancer Kid's friends. I can just imagine how the planning of this routine goes:

Passable Dancer Kid: "Hey, we should do a dance. I'll choreograph it and it'll be great!"

PDK's Friends: "Uhm… sure. But we don't dance."

PDK: "No problem! I'll teach you… It'll rock!"

PDK F: "Yeah, but you've only taken six weeks of dance class."

PDK: "Let's do it. We'll start rehearsing now… Oh, is that the Jonas Brothers on TV?"

And the resulting glorified hokey pokey (emphasis on the hokey) usually results in the audience sitting in stunned silence — waiting until it's over to offer polite encouragement through half-hearted clapping. I remember we started clapping after what seemed like hours of "dance" only to find it was a dramatic pause (I'm being generous. It was a pause where everyone forgot the next steps… but I digress) and they started up again. Another year, I believe the "African"-inspired dance strained relations between Canada and that continent for months.

It's all for a good cause — we collect canned goods and donate them to the local Food Bank. The kids are excited — although I worry my daughter's about to tread into cheesy territory with their 70's-inspired Non, non, rien n'a changé. Wait. She already veered headlong into the land of Fromage with last year's "Achy Breaky Dance." Seriously. Six year olds singing and line dancing to a french version of the Billy Ray, uhm, classic? Can you get better than that?

(CONTEXT ALERT — Watch a YouTube version of the original Non, non, rien n'a changé by Les Poppys here
– and here if you want to compare and contrast! Interestingly, the
vocals are identical!!!! You don't think they lip synched the
performance? Well, it's forgiveable considering the complexity of the
choreography. I mean BOTH hands on the hips. Swaying from SIDE to SIDE? I almost fell out of my chair thinking about it. I refuse to post the original Achy Breaky Heart. Some mullets are meant to stay buried.)

My halls are decked. My holly's jolly. I'm fully in the Christmas spirit thanks to Christmas Pageant Day!

What holiday traditions to you love? More importantly, which ones do you dread? Share your holiday stories below in the comments.